1. This guy passed me on the street and said loudly, directly, so I knew it was addressed to me : you look good! You walk with such energy.
2. I walked past him. Ignored him. With energy, I suppose.
3. My energy was somewhat more tense after that.
4.. Full disclosure: I was walking to meet friends...
5. And nearly unraveled once I met these friends, but it was not the time for unraveling.
6. Also someone bought me pie.
7. By the time I was done with the pie, I was centered.
8. It took 10 years of training and humiliation to make me walk so well. Am I doing the math right?
9. You can hardly tell I ever walked funny at all!
10. The white cane is certainly a distraction, though, to one's observation of my feet and what they're doing. Usually.
11. And / but it's like a metronome to me.
12. Fuck him anyway.
13. I can fall with energy too.
14. In fact, my falls are quite spectacular.
15. I saw my sister fall once. She looked so soft, like a ballerina plie-ing off the edge of the driveway.
16. In fact, some ligaments in her knee were bending the wrong way at the time.
17. I feel like there's some aphorism here about not judging the outside of someone, etc.
18. Once I was clothes shopping and the shop clerk told me I looked like a dancer. I made a scoffing noise and then felt bad.
19. it's not you it's me it's not me it's you it's not you it's me
20. : metronome.
Okay, I got some emails that led me to believe that this post was unaccountably bitter. I actually read it over myself and thought, "Hm, that's kind of bitter." I spend most of my day cheerleading myself and others forward. And I don't mean to indicate that it is fake positivity. The act of creation (art, words) saved my life more than once. I sort of see it as my job to encourage creation, risks, to push other people (and myself) forward. Perhaps a lot of that energy does not end up in blog form. Well, it happens.{shrug} that's how I was feeling when I wrote it. YMMV.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I was distracted by pie.
ReplyDeleteI think it's maybe ... or at least it is for me "capital-eff you for speaking to me at all whether in a manner that is well-meaning or otherwise all I wanted to do was walk down the street not be someone's inspiration or good deed or anecdote."
It rather was meant that way. I think it was the ... inspiration part.
ReplyDeleteI also think you know me so well I don't have to explain or justify myself to you even in my weaker (whatever) moments and it is (you are) one of the things [see previous post] that I'm profoundly thankful for. Bold italics underline.
Also: mmmm, pie.
ReplyDelete