A fist fight is brewin at my house, my house

So apparently the fact that I was not a hysterical wreck upon hearing of Ravi's disappearance was my mind's way of protecting me from emotional fallout. I recognize the signs now. The false I'm fine now. But that, truly, is a load of crap. I've been trying to be equanimitous. Is that a word? Anyway, trying to keep an even keel, stiff upper lip, and all that shit. Because that's what my heavy doses of DBT (it's a type of cognitive therapy for people that have had problems with severe emotional dysregulation) have taught me. But there's some cracks in the armor or something. Gee I can't imagine why.

Now I'm cycling through some emotions. They just needed awhile to get to the surface. I'll share them in alphabetical order, because hey, it's orderly.

Anger: Goddamn it I would have locked up the cats for the moving. This would not have happened on my watch because my special unique brand of cynicism and mistrust will keep everybody safe. Except I hate everybody and don't want to keep them safe right now.

Fear: He's somewhere and needs help and can't get to safety. He's hung himself on his collar somewhere in our house and is slowly suffocating. His body out back below the bamboo strata, disemboweled by a badger. 

Guilt: If I hadn't abandoned my cats to serve my own pathetic needs then... [see the rest under Anger]

Positivity: I love my husband and my two cats and Ravi could still come home and he might even been hiding within the many holes and weird unsearchable alcoves in our large old home and ANY MINUTE he will shimmer into existence and we will be sooooo happy and in the meantime we have all these friends who our offering their goodwill or advice or practical help and yay friends yay enduring love. Unfortunately this emotion does not manifest as often as the others.

Remoteness: My heart is craggy mountainous snowcovered waste and the only thing that grows there are those trees that look all scrubby and can survive in unforgiving climates. And I want the universe to obliterate it with a comet.

Sadness: I just love him so much all the way from his hoppers to his branches to his little schmutzface and I want him back soooo bad.....

Annnnnnd shuffle.