Mom update

So my mother is still with us, AFAIK. My Aunt S (mom's sister) flew in last night. I hope she was able to get a snippet of lucid mom. If I were them (Aunt D and Uncle J) I would ask my Aunt S to take care of my grandmother, who at 93 has dementia, and just recently (even thought hey were living in the same house) learned of the seriousness of mom's condition.

Although I bet they left out the part where she's refusing treatment. I guess I might leave out that part too, at this point.

Aunt S and Gran are closer than Aunt S and mom. And I bet Uncle J needs a rest or, conversely, to go to work.

Mom is refusing all treatment, except for pain meds and benzos (which I don't know if she knows she's getting)... which calm her down and suppress the gag reflex. Like I mentioned before it took them two days to convince her to even go to the hospital even when she was throwing up blood.

She even refused the endoscope. I thought maybe she would at least let them do that procedure, because it can't be comfortable having a bleed in your stomach. And I'm guessing (I do so much guessing, with this situation) that the docs can't tell if she's still bleeding internally because she refuses the damn endoscope.

I told Mike Aunt D said mom said she doesn't want tubes anywhere.

[[I'm guessing, again, that IVs don't count. Which is more guessing, which I'm frustrated by because if I were there I would know names, dosages, methods of delivery, how often... knowing facts is one way I cope.]]

Mike said ... but sometimes tubes bring good things.

True that. I don't think mom wants any good things though, besides being comfortable.

Aunt D mentioned that mom was no longer taking any fluids except sips of water, very occasionally. But again, I don't know if they are hydrating her via IV or not. I would hope so. I really think the dehydration route to death is inhumane... though it's done commonly.

I asked Aunt D if I should go down there. I wanted guidance, any viewpoint. I have really no experience with this and it's such a weird and complicated situation. I feel like Aunt D is holding together all these people who wouldn't normally hold themselves together.

Aunt D said that she did not know if I would make it in time, and that it was okay for me to keep the really good memory of seeing my mom when I did, of saying goodbye when I did.

I was so grateful for that. Just... for someone to tell me what to do, for someone to tell me it was okay to preserve the memory that I have of her.

Once, a few years ago, when there was something else up with my mom --which is the only reason my Aunt S and I talk --I told my Aunt S. This family, like rats from a sinking ship. She didn't deny it, but I think she was a little shocked that I said it.

N expressed some raised eyebrows that my Aunt S. hadn't called me --throughout this entire process --to see how I was doing. I said that I was really okay with that, that I didn't want to talk to her, that we don't normally talk, that talking to her would be overwhelming, and that I'd see her at the service.

Aunt S is a devout Catholic. I wonder if mom told her the part where she's refusing treatment.

N seemed... not surprised exactly at my response because she knows this family, how they are. How we are. I fully implicate myself in our disconnection.

I asked Aunt D to call me when mom had a lucid moment so I could talk to her for just thirty seconds, which she did. As soon as I feel it's reasonable, time-wise, I'm going to text again and ask her the same thing for today if possible.

Yesterday when I talked to mom for a moment, she was sort of in-and-out. She tried to say I love you, over and over again, but it wasn't quite coming. Like she was in a fitful sleep and sleeptalking.

Aunt D got on the phone and said, I want you to know she's trying to say I love you. I'd figured it out. Or else, it didn't matter. If we're beyond language, that's okay. Hearing her voice in any capacity... I just needed to. I hope I can hear it again before she goes.