This is venting. You can skip if you're bored or not into that whole whine-whine-whine thing.
Mmmm, wine.
I like to be efficient, even in my venting, so I'm separating it into two topics:
1) MEDS
I'm already taking a cartload of meds. My therapist N upgraded my meds to deal with all the crap that's happening right about now. Which is great. It means I don't go supernova on the streets of Pittsburgh, or throw glasses of water at people at lunch. It also means, however, that I too, feel like I have age-related dementia. I'm used to fibro fog. But this is fog of yet-another-level. I'm grateful that I can work out and also write coherent sentences and stuff. I couldn't do those things the last time I took such heavy-duty psych drugs. But I lose words. Nouns, mostly. I tangentialize and then forget what I was talking about. And there's still breakthrough-anxiety (of course, right?) while I subconsciously process what is going on with my mom, and everything else.
The breakthrough anxiety is exacerbated by the fact that we have been at our usual routine. For example, I'm at a hotel right now. Before that I was at my house for an evening. Before that, GA. Before that, Eastern PA. Before that, my house for a few nights. Before that, hotel.......... So like for example, I'll misplace my cell charger and all of a sudden ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING will feel overwhelming. When I am at home, and have my normal (not bad) level of ocd, the ocd actually works in my favor and somewhat ameliorates my visual impairment. Everything goes in its place. That way I don't have to look to find it. I have my house, my items, practically memorized. I say practically because there's probably some I don't have memorized but I can't think of what they are right now. I can navigate, and accomplish things within my house when in total darkness, in which I am completely blind. But right now it's like.... OMG.... cell charger..... where .... intense feeling of PANIC WORLD ENDING GOING TO CRY AND NOT BE ABLE TO STOP HELP OH GOD.
To continue with meds, I was just able to go see my PCP, goddess bless her she is wonderful and got me in this morning to deal with the scabs on my legs. She calls them lesions and I'm like, ew. She said what she thinks is happening is a bacterial infection and / or I'm getting new spots because my immune system is cranking out extra histamine like a champ. She has me on an antibiotic (which is like so f-ing huge.... luckily I literally have a pill cutter with me, at the hotel. Which I just bought yesterday) and a topical steroid, which I have to dab on each spot 2-3 times a day. And she wants me to take Benedryl pills at night and put Benedryl topical cream on the spots when they itch in between applications of the steroid.
So I counted the spots. Because i had to put the steroid on EACH ONE, which I will do at least the first few times and then will probably just rub a daub into the clusters where there are clusters. I have 38 spots. Thirty on my left leg and eight on the right. Plus that scary thing on my right ankle. She poked, prodded, visualized and was like, "For that thing alone, you need an antibiotic."
So I should stop getting new spots and these ones should decrease their gross-lookingness. Yay. Seriously yay b/c they are so itchy that I scratch them in my sleep and wake myself up.
2) MY MAYBE-NOT TRIP TO THE SHORE
I was supposed to go to the shore with my family, which I haven't been in 10 years. I was really looking forward to this vacation. With everything, I need it more badly than ever. I also told my dad that I was looking forward to walking down the boardwalk with my husband, something which I have never done.
However, circumstances etc. means I would have to take a Greyhound to Allentown so I could depart with them. But Greyhound is hell on my back. Seriously. And I already had one back spasm last week. Size medium. Which means I could still walk, but it was dicey for a little while. Amtrak is better but it goes to Philly only. Dad offered last night to drive me from Pittsburgh to A-town. If you will remember, he had originally offered me this when I was set to be with my Dad-Pam for a month, so that I could do Prosody. Now Mike is not sure he can go because of some work-shit that imploded, and my dad will probably no longer be able to take me from Pittsburgh to A-town because of some of HIS work shit that exploded.
Which... disappointing.
But then he said something. He's got to always say something, right? So when I was relating to him how .... brain fog. I just lost my thought. Real time Meds In Action.
So when I was relating to him how Mike might not be able to come he was like, "I want Mike too. I mean it's going to be all couples there. You'll probably feel like a third wheel or something."
REALLY?
Actually what I wanted was to be with my family in the relaxing ocean atmosphere, and the doc even said I could go in the ocean b/c the spots were all closed-over. And I wanted to walk on the boardwalk and buy cute beachy clothes even if I couldn't do it with my husband. And I wanted some time to decompress with my family. Especially more time with stepgoddess Pam. I don't think I can ever have enough time with her. She is like, nurturing to the nth power.
But I don't want to be a third wheel. And what's more, without the sighted-guide of my husband, I'll have to use my cane. And I wouldn't want to attract undue attention with my cane and make the whole family feel uncomfortable.
I know that last bit is taking it out of context. That's not what he said. But. I. I.
I need to go have lunch with Jenn now. God bless Jenn. And all you bloggerinos for reading and sending me good energies. I <3 u.
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