Errands

I went on my first solo outing today in awhile. Probably since before I started group.

I think I'm supposed to begin being able to say it specifically. Probably since before my mom decided to end her life this past August. Wow, that was extremely uncomfortable.

[I wonder how many people are reading this and whom. I re-read the sentence and don't hit delete.]

Solo, meaning I did not have any assistance getting out of the house (namely a ride), nor was I going to see someone.

I took the 48 to REI to investigate their winter boot sale. And came away with a nice pair of boots. North Face. Waterproof. Stylish for being so good in the snow and wet.

And then I waited at the bus stop for 20 minutes. The temperature with wind chill was 16. First the cold stung my face and made tears run down it. Then my face went completely numb. I got on the warm bus with the young moms on welfare who all seemed to know each other and talked about the vicissitudes of bureaucracy and people who smelled like they'd been drinking quite a bit since before noon. My face thawed. I felt class-conscious and race-conscious and very aware of where my own inadequate, ridiculous self ended and other selves began. I felt just the smallest bit of happiness that I had accomplished it.

Even asking the question of myself, has my rabid social anxiety come down a micrometer? --this makes me want to not dwell even for a second on what I believe to be the answer. I don't want to jinx it.