Sometimes a stack of disappointments just makes me fall in on myself in concentric circles of sad, like a rock tossed and then falling to the bottom of a lake.
I just don't know what else to say.
I can't take one more disappointment right now.
I was working so hard to collect myself to get to the shore, to make sure I was stable and could have a conversation with someone without crying or having a panic attack. To make sure I wasn't going to get claustrophobic while riding the bus. Yesterday I had lunch with Barb who is so great. And we went back to look at her sweet little apartment. It was the first time in days that I hadn't felt the sadness just constantly eating at me. I could just ignore it for a time. And so, after navigating the obstacles of my emotional crap and Mike's work crap, we finally made the decision that we could pry ourselves away and go to the shore....
....and now it looks like my "transportation opportunity" has fallen through. Last week it was teetering on the edge and I had some hope that we could work it out, but I found out this morning that even with Mike & my efforts to meet halfway, the answer is no. We made the decision 12 hours too late.
Right now, at this moment, I am incredibly bitter that I can't drive. I'm very bitter at my family who didn't even double check with me before they changed the plan.
I just can't even.... I want to go back to bed forever. I have to see A at 11:45, but I don't want to go outside because I can't take another thing going wrong right now.
Fuck this. Fuck everything.
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